Thoughts on Homeschool

I've been thinking more and more of homeschooling lately. All this time, I've been completely opposed to it: no social interaction, I don't want to quit work, I don't think I'm capable of doing it, etc.

First, you need a little background. Prepare yourself for an extremely long post. If you have something pressing, like, going to the bathroom or getting supper started; I suggest you do that and come back later. :o)

Yesterday, the boys and I went to Legoland by ourselves. With no one else but us. And for the first time I can remember, I had the boys with me, just us, and we'd gone somewhere far away to have fun. I came upon a small epiphany. Nothing as big as say, discovering Jesus' redemptive work or anything; but still an epiphany to me. I realized that I am, for the first time in 6 years, comfortable with being a mother and taking care of my own children all by myself. I've finally understood that for 6 years I've been hiding behind my mother, my husband, my best friend, my work, other friends, school, etc, etc. So that I wouldn't have to take care of them alone. Because I was afraid. What if I am a bad mother? What if I can't take care of them? Anxiety and Insecurity are the Burdens on my back. And yesterday changed it all. I think the change has been coming for quite some time though: a year in fact.

See, a year is how long it's been since I moved away from most of my comfort zones. And God has been slowly dragging me out of my shell and developing my independence in the world, and my dependence on Him. Remember my post about going to the library alone? It was happening then and I didn't know it. Then last Sunday, I desperately needed to go the the store (called the market out here) and for the first time, I couldn't leave the boys at home with Frank--he was just too tired from studying and completely zonked. The whole time I've had my children, I've always looked for ways to leave them at home when I ran errands--it's just too hard to take them with me; takes too much time, energy, effort, blah, blah. Looking back, I think deep down it was that anxiety/insecurity issue again. ("how can I be old enough to be the mother? what if we are in a terrible accident and they get killed?" "I don't have the confidence to do it." As I write these thoughts, it occurs to me that this feels a lot like the post- partum depression I went thru. Maybe I've carried a tiny part of it with me and just didn't know it.)

Anyway, we went to Sam's and Walmart and did fine. Then, Thursday nite, I needed to run to the store for some stuff for work on Friday, meaning it couldn't wait til the weekend. Since Frank is studying for finals, and Sunday went well; I decided to take the boys with me on Thursday nite. That is HUGE for me--usually after work, I am tired and don't feel like going to the store, much less dragging 2 boys with me. Well, it went fine--AND we went to 3 different stores! I was more tired than normal when we got home, but we made it.

So, every day this week, Steven asks if we can go to Disneyland again. Everyday we've been putting him off b/c of busyness: work and school. I was beginning to feel differently however. We can't go to disney b/c our passes are only good on certain dates, but the passes to Legoland are good anytime. So that's what we did. Me and the boys made the hour and 15 minute drive down to Carlsbad and we did just fine. In fact, we had a blast!! including me!! As we were driving home, I thought to myself: 'Wow, my children really are quite enjoyable, I want to do this again sometime soon. I wish I didn't have to work. If we homeschooled, we could do this all the time.' and so on.

Hence the title of this post: Thoughts on Homeschooling.

I don't know if we will do it. I had a conversation with Frank last nite when we got home that pretty much consisted of all of the above. He was glad to see how much I've grown, but that doesn't mean he's ready to jump into a whole new way of life. Plus, it's a difficult way of life: lesson plans, schoolwork, being COMPLETELY responsible for the education of your children. And we depend on my income right now. So, it will have to wait a little while. We have at least a year to think and pray. Please pray for us that we will make the right decision. I don't want it to be for selfish reasons: I don't want to work, I want my children with me, I want that emotional satisfaction, I want to shelter my children (i.o.w. hide them from real life), I want complete control of my children's education. All of these reasons boil down to: pride, selfishness, laziness, etc. But right reasons would include: Being able to spend time with my children, being able to teach them a Christian worldview, giving them more extra-curricular activities without piling that onto an already full school day, having the flexibility to pick up and go when needed. If you think of any more, let me know. (*Crissy, call me. I know you've probably got some good advice, enough to fill another post!)