getting a little better

Today has been ok. I keep thinking about getting on facebook and doing the little comment: "Amber is..." but I am too many things...

So, I guess I'll blog instead.

Amber is...

1. Missing the baby kicking.

2. Glad that the baby is with Jesus. I like what Maja says: "that's my perfect child. I don't have to worry about that one."

3. Thankful for all the food. It has been wonderful not to have to worry about cooking at a time like this. Thank you friends!

4. Thankful to have so many friends who care. Who know that although they may not be able to understand, they know how to say I'm sorry and I love you. That is all that matters.

5. Thankful for a loving/caring mother.

6. Happy about the fact that I have my husband and 2 boys. I guess it IS a blessing that I seem to be able to carry to full term w/o too many problems. Dr. Adcock told me that my odds for being another statistic in the future are still slim to none. He is not worried about future pregnancies.

7. Going to wait awhile to have another baby. Although the doc is optimistic, I feel the need to give myself time to recover emotionally. This was different than a first-trimester miscarriage for a number of reasons. The baby was more real to me; I'd been feeling kicks for several weeks, and when we had the ultra sound, it LOOKED like a real baby on the screen. I've had 2 other miscarriages aside from this one, and let me tell you, they were not NEARLY as devastating as this one. And it was even more terrible because it was completely unexpected.

8. Sad they couldn't determine the baby's gender. I chose not to name the baby for that reason. I prayed God to name the baby instead.

9. Not going to take the anti-depressant medication. I'd asked for it, because I know that I suffer from post-partum depression, and I knew this situation might be worse because there was no baby to bring home. But, I feel your prayers. It HAS been difficult; it has not been unbearable. (although a couple days there were questionable.) I took the medication one day, and I swear, the side effects were worse than being sad/depressed. I didn't like the way it made me feel out of control, so I am trusting the Lord to bring me through this without medication.

10. Tired of being fat. Have been instructed to wait 1 week after surgery to resume normal activities due to surgery and extensive blood loss. I have been taking it easy, but am ready to get back to excercising. Which I know will help with depression too.

11. Glad for OBGYN South and Brookwood's Women's Center. All of those folks are great. Dr. A is the best, and the nurses especially ministered to me that day. It helped that they had all obviously read my chart and knew why I was there. Their kindness and compassion really made my hospital visit much more bearable.

12. Contemplating a career change and praying for God's guidance.

13. Reading John Piper's God is the Gospel. Great and encouraging read.

14. Is glad that the terrible headache is gone. I came home from the hospital with the worst headache I've ever had, and thought I was having a reaction to the medication. Instead it was caused by extensive blood loss. Dr told me to take 2 percocet and 1 motrin 800 at the same time!!! um, that definitely helped. Was really afraid that I'd get addicted to the percocet, but so far have not taken it in 2 days and feel fine.

15. Going to try to make it to Christmas Eve Service. Physically and emotionally was not ready for Sunday, but every day is getting a little easier, so we'll see. I miss you all.

16. Enjoying watching re-runs of "The Office" on Netflix. That is one funny show. I think what makes it so funny is that I've worked in offices before, and although the characters are a little exaggerated, they're not that far from the truth! It's been nice to sit with Frank and watch these stupid sit-coms...nice to be able to laugh at the silliness, and know that life still keeps going...

17. Worried about planning the boys' birthday party. Their birthdays are 12/30 and 01/01; Steven wants Pump it UP, and Frankie wants something to do with Star Wars/Clone Wars. Ugh. Just don't know if I have it in me to plan something big. We'll see. Maybe I should put it off a couple weeks into January? hmm...